


Love, Park Jisung

by Queen_Preferences



Category: NCT (Band), To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Crush, Boys In Love, Comfort, Comfort Food, Cousins, Crushes, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin & Huang Ren Jun Are Siblings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Moon Taeil, Established Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Established Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Established Kim Jungwoo/Qian Kun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Established Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Established Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin/Hunag Ren Jun, Established Lee Taeyong/Seo Youngho | Johnny, Established Liu Yang Yang | YangYang/Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun, Falling In Love, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Gay, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Seo Youngho | Johnny Are Siblings, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Is The 'Son' of Seo Youngho | Johnny, Lee Jeno Is The Lovechild of Kim Dongoyung | Doyoung & Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Love, Love Confessions, Love Letters, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mark Lee & Lee Taeyong Are Siblings, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Near Future, No Sex, No Smut, No Underage Relationship, No Underage Sex, Not Actually Unrequited Love, OT21 (NCT), Perfect Guy Idea, Qian Kun & Dong Si Cheng | WinWin & Huang Ren Jun & Zhong Chen Le Are Cousins, Qian Kun & Zhong Chen Le Are Siblings, Siblings, Tears, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, Threesome Relationship, To All The Boys I've Before AU, True Love, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Wedding Fluff, Weddings, boy next door, friendly love, hard angst, nct ot21 - Freeform, to all the boys i've loved before - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2019-12-07 18:31:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18238667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Preferences/pseuds/Queen_Preferences
Summary: Summary: Dedicated to all the boys that Park Jisung ever loved.





	1. Dear Taeil,

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a playlist included towards the end of this story!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR NOTE: BEFORE ANY OF YOU COME FOR ME IN THE COMMENTS READ THIS
> 
> \- None of these relationships are sexual in anyway!  
> \- Jisung is not being sexualized at any point in this story!  
> \- However Jisung will be kissing in this so get ready.  
> \- These letters are ranging from the ages of twelve to nineteen for Jisung. He meets everyone in age order because I'm do lazy to make it different.

_"The first time ever I saw your face_

_I_ _thought the sun rose in your eyes_

_And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave_

_To the dark and the endless skies"_

**_[The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Roberta Flack 1972]_ **

 

_"The feelings got lost in my lungs_

_They're burning, I'd rather be numb_

_And there's no one else to blame_

_So scared I take off and I run I'm flying too close to the sun_

_And I burst into flames"_

**_[Heart Attack by Demi Lovato]_ **

* * *

_Dear Taeil,_

_I never really liked ice cream growing up. It was too cold, making my teeth chatter, and giving me brain freeze quicker than any slushie. Beside frozen yogurt had my heart for a long time before ice cream._

_You changed that._

_I made an A on my science project so my parents decided to treat me out for ice cream since my favorite frozen yogurt place was closed for the weekend. It ended up turning into a date for my parents (despite that it was my day but whatever) since they decided to take me to the place they fell in love._

_When I saw you behind that counter I swore first then and there that I would eat all the ice cream in the world just to see you again. You made my young heart jump into my throat and I’m still embarrassed how I stumbled over my order right in front of you. I thought you would be annoyed but you only smiled at me, and made some lame dad joke that I still laughed at even if I didn’t understand it._

_For months, I kept coming back to the same shop wasting my allowance and birthday/Christmas money. I finally worked up the courage to ask you out on my thirteen birthday because I was officially a teenager and you had to believe my feelings were real._

_I finally worked up the balls to tell you how I felt one day. I came into the shop and you were sitting down at a table with another boy. The boy was laughing and making frequent hand movements as he talked._

_My heart broke into millions of pieces once I saw the look in your eyes._

_I was too late._

_You were already in love with someone and that someone was not me._

_I ran out of the shop and didn’t come back for weeks. I didn’t touch ice cream again for long. It hurt even more when my parents told me that you saw them in the grocery store and gave your wishes to me if I was sick since I disappeared. I felt sick because I was so focused on my own feeling that I didn’t care about yours._

_So I came back._

_The moment I walked through towards the door my heart felt heavy but when you smiled at me I felt a little lighter._

_Thank you for being so nice to me and helping me heal my heart without even knowing it._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	2. Dear Johnny,

_"Thought I couldn't live without you_

_It's going to hurt when it heals too_

_Oh yeah (It'll all get better in time)_

_Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile because I deserve too_

_Oh (It'll all get better in time)_

_Since there's no more you and me (No more you and me)_

_This time I let you go so I can be free_

_And live my life how it should be (No no no no no no)_

_No matter how hard it is I will be fine without you_

_Yes I will"_

**[Better In Time by Leona Lewis]**

* * *

_Dear Johnny,_

_I never liked sports, well I still don’t like most sports. However basketball held a special place in my heart because of you._

_I was halfway through thirteen and my heart was still bitter over Taeil. He, and his boyfriend broke up during the summer but I still knew we wouldn’t be together and it still made me sad._

_I waited to get my mind off him and that’s when you came in. I let some of my classmates drag me to the court for a friendly basketball game. I ended up quitting halfway through and then you walked on the court._

_God, you were tall and I still can feel the cramp I got from always staring up at you._

_I visited the court everyday that week making sure to include it on my route home despite it add fifteen extra minutes to my time._

_One day, I stepped on the court to watch you play against the other boys. You moved like water and never hesitated to give up the ball for someone else to make the winning shot. After the game, I stayed behind waiting for you with a water bottle and some jerky._

_You thanked me and ruffled my hair before walking me home. You said your heart wouldn’t settle if I walked home in the dark alone and I knew my heart wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t take this chance._

_We became friends and I forgot temporarily about Taeil._

_The basketball court became our place until you told me you were leaving for college in a few weeks. I didn’t cry in front of you but you still wrapped me in the tightest hug in the world._

_We spent your last day on the court playing one on one until I couldn’t feel my feet._

_I cried that night when I went home until I fell asleep. I went back to my old route because I couldn’t walk past the court without crying. You came back in the summer to see me but with you boyfriend Taeyong. You pulled me to side after your return and we went to the court._

_You told me that you knew I had a crush on you and you were thankful for someone as great as me falling you._

_You gave me a kiss on my forehead and kindly rejected me._

_I cried but I was happy for you._

_Thanks for teaching me basketball and accepting my feelings even if you couldn’t return them._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	3. Dear Taeyong,

_" A tornado flew around my room before you came_

_Excuse the mess it made, it usually doesn't rain in Southern California, much like Arizona_

_My eyes don't shed tears, but, boy, they bawl"_

**_[Thinkin Bout You by Frank Ocean]_ **

* * *

_Dear Taeyong,_

_Ironic, right._

_I knew you were Johnny’s boyfriend and for that I tried to hate you. I’m sorry for the smart comments, rude stares, lack of honorific and cold shoulders. I couldn’t fault Johnny for falling in love you because I did too in the end._

_We both saw Johnny off at the airport and you rubbed my back as I cried once Johnny disappeared from sight. The car ride back to my house was awkward despite your attempts to talk to me. All I wanted to do was go home, cry and sleep for the next three years until my heart stopped hurting._

_I would later find out that you in an foreign exchange program with the college in Chicago that Johnny attended and your elite college here in Seoul._

_That's how you and Johnny would meet and fall in love._

_I’m pretty sure Johnny told you about my feelings and you didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. Instead you made plans with me to keep my updated on Johnny and tried everything in the world to become my friend._

_I’m still sorry for blowing off some of our plans or purposely coming late to them. I thought you would have decided I wasn’t worth it but you never did. You would only smile and tell me it’s okay._

_I avoided you for weeks afterwards and you took it in stride never called me out on it. I thought I avoided you because I was still mad about you taking Johnny but in reality it was never about Johnny anymore._

_I avoided you because I was falling for you and I didn't know what to do about it._

_Weeks passed before I saw you again. It was after I talked to Johnny and he told me you had a part time job as a librarian that I saw you again. I went to the library simply to spy on you but you saw me immediately._

_You were happy to see me and even gave me a big hug. We went out to lunch after your shift and I finally talked to you._

_I can to term with my feelings and I accepted that I fell for you. I mean who couldn't, you were perfect and I'm happy Johnny found you._

_Thanks for being patient with me._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	4. Dear Yuta,

_"Haven't I made it obvious?_

_Haven't I made it clear?_

_Want me to spell it out for you?_

_F-R-I-E-N-D-S Haven't I made it obvious?_

_Haven't I made it clear?_

_Want me to spell it out for you?_

_F-R-I-E-N-D-S_

_F-R-I-E-N-D-S"_

**_[FRIENDS by Marshmello feat Anne-Marie]_ **

 

_"And I know you're going somewhere to make a better life I hope that you find it on the first try_

_And even though it kills me_

_That you have to go I know it'll be sadder If you never hit the road"_

_[ **Farewell by Rihanna]**_

* * *

_Dear Yuta,_

_If I was Batman you were the Joker._

_We had a dance class together, I was the only fourteen year old to be in the class with the young adults._

_You joked around during instructions and I stayed quiet to catch every word from the instructor. You added your own steps to the routines and I copied the instructor's steps to the exact. You were always late and I was always early._

_I couldn't stand you the first week because you always had the class laughing and I could barely hear. The hate quicker changed to butterflies in my stomach when you moved. You danced like it was your last day on earth and this was your last gift._

_We never talked until Taeyong came to see you after class. You two had classes together and we're friends from middle school. You were the person who pushed Taeyong to do the exchange program because you did it while you stayed in Japan._

_Taeyong introduced me to you as his and Johnny's baby (my heart stopped hurting for a while now at the mention of Johnny)._

_You promised to look after me and that you did._

_You switched to the morning class instead of our afternoon one because you had to work around your school, and work schedule. You would teach me the dances before class so all I would have to do was master them and fix my small mistakes._

_No one could say anything to me because you would be out for blood._

_I knew it would never happen between us and for once I was okay with being around._

_We stayed in touch even as you went back to Japan to finish your studies._

_Thank you for being the Joker to my Batman._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	5. Dear Kun,

_"You're dripping like a saturated sunrise_

_You're spilling like an overflowing sink_

_You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_

_And now I'm tearing through the pages and the ink"_

**_[Colors by Halsey]_ **

* * *

_Dear Kun,_

_You were another cliche._

_You know with you being my babysitter and everything. It wasn’t meant to be from the moment our eyes met but my heart didn’t listen._

_Okay so I hated you at first because I was fourteen going to fifteen and I had a babysitter. None of my friends would let me hear the end of it because what type of fourteen year old has a babysitter. My parents started having date night again and they felt that I wasn’t old enough nor responsible enough to handle myself._

_That’s when you came in._

_You were actually friends with Taeyong so I told myself that I would give you a little chance (I felt like I owe that to him)._

_You didn’t treat me like a child._

_Okay you did but you treated me with the same respect that you wanted from others. Yeah, you still scolded, grounded, rewarded and comforted me but almost like how a big brother would do his little brother._

_You always helped me out with anything. We did my homework spread out on the kitchen table while you cooked some of your favorite dishes from your childhood._

_You would often teach me small phrases in Chinese as you packed away the leftovers for my lunch the next day. You showed up to my dance rituals with flowers every time even for the small ones._

_You always knew what to say and how to say it so it was no surprise that you joined my collection of letters._

_You actually became my counselor._

_I told you everything from my secrets, fears, hopes and dreams that I swore to never tell anyone else. I told you about my past loves and the heartbreak that came with them. You thanked me for telling you and swore to never tell another soul._

_You also made the best chocolate chip cookies._

_Thank you supporting me and making me feel strong._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_

 


	6. Dear Doyoung,

_"Just stop your crying I_

_t's a sign of the times_

_Welcome to the final show_

_Hope you're wearing your best clothes_

_You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky_

_You look pretty good down here_

_But you ain't really good"_

**_[Sign of the Times by Harry Styles]_ **

_"It turned colder that's where it ends_

_So I told her we'd still be friends_

_Then we made our true love vow_

_Wonder what she's doing now_

_Summer dreams ripped at the seams but oh those summer nights"_

_**[Summer Nights by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John]** _

* * *

_Dear Doyoung,_

_The summer after my fourteen birthday I was a big ball of hormones and emotions that I didn't want to deal with._

_I didn't want to go to summer camp because I felt too old and too cool for this childish activity but you changed my mind. I sulked all the road trip to the camp grounds and on the tour around the place. The second the first counselor wasn't looking I snuck off. I ended up sitting on the edge of a picnic table watching the lake with my headphones in my ears blocking out everything and everyone._

_You came out of nowhere and yanked out my headphones before pocketing them telling me that I should be enjoying the scenery not throwing a fit._

_I was too shocked to say anything to you._

_I had my first dirty dream that night because of you and because of that I avoided looking at you for days afterwards. I felt embarrassed, cheated and most of mad at myself. For I never felt this type of emotion for Taeil, Johnny, Taeyong or even Yuta but somehow I felt it for you._

_You called me out of my room one day and apologized for taking my headphones from me. In that moment I accepted my feelings for you and I promised to never try to run from love again._

_We became fast friends afterwards._

_You were still a stick in the mud but a cute stick in the mud. We shared stories from our lives outside of camp, roasted marshmallows, went canoeing in the lake and even played small pranks on the other campers. Along the way I learned about your struggles with growing up underneath your older brother’s shadow, being gay in your traditional family, and trying to be your own person._

_I fell for you even more._

_You made that summer one of the best summers in my life._

_I wanted to stay in that moment forever with you but all good things must come to an end. As summer ended, I realized my feelings weren’t as deep as I thought._

_It was just summertime love._

_Thank you for giving me the best summer ever._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	7. Dear Ten,

_"And as the years go by_

_Our friendship will never die_

_You're gonna see, it's our destiny_

_You've got a friend in me_

_You've got a friend in me_

_You've got a friend in me"_

**_[You've Got a Friend in Me by Randy Newman]_ **

_"We can go to the movies boy, maybe we could hang out boy_

_Whatever you wanna do, cause I'm down for it I'm down for you"_

**_[Down For You by Kehlani and BJ the Chicago Kid]_ **

* * *

_Dear Ten,_

~~_I never loved you._ ~~

~~_I didn’t hold as deep feeling for you as I did all the others._ ~~

~~_I never-_  ~~

_Okay so I don’t know how to start this letter but that’s okay. This isn’t a traditional letter because you ain’t a traditional crush. I had a crush on you however I was not in love with you, sounds hard but it’s true. Not that you weren’t lovable because you were. I was just caught in myself to be true about the extent of my feelings._

_Your beautiful well almost breathtaking. (Don't want your ego to get to big.)_

_Your filled of talent. Talent that most people have to pray or train  for the rest of their lives to even get to your level._

_Your out of this world. You came in like a tornado. Nothing you did wasn’t amazing because it was you. You never shied away from others nor let someone else stereotypes influence yours._

_Never doubt that you affected my life more than I will ever be able to give you credit for._

_You were the reason behind my true passion for dancing, seriously. I always wanted to dance but I never thought about making it a career because it was impractical. My parents supported me but their my parents they didn’t really have a choice.  You had no reason to support me but you did._

_When we meet I was still riding on my last crush and you can stomping in, literally. You were the new instructor for my freestyle dance class. You never really had set out plans for the lessons. You would just let your creativity go and I loved it._

_The way you moved, it was amazing. The passion, drive, and skill that you showed made me want to be just like you. I saw the scars, scratches, breaks and bruises that you wore like prizes. It always encouraged me to move my body harder and quicker._

_You told me that dancing was your freedom. It didn’t have language barriers, rude comments, stares or even sad moments like the world did. Dancing made you feel stable and independent. You didn’t need to rely on someone to help you because you didn’t understand not did get ridiculed for messing up. You taught me to be free and be proud of everything I did. It makes me remember when I first joined the class, you pulled me out of that shy kid mentality and because of you I never went back. Sometimes you were the main reason I got up out of bed for the class._

_Thank you for making me feel special every time I stepped forward._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	8. Dear Jaehyun,

_"You got dimples in your jaw_

_You got dimples in your jaw_

_You got dimples in your jaw_

_You got dimples in your jaw_

_You my babe I got my eyes on you"_

**_[Dimples by John Lee Hooker]_ **

_"You make me smile like the sun_

_Fall out of bed, sing like a bird_

_Dizzy in my head, spin like a record_

_Crazy on a Sunday night_

_You make me dance like a fool_

_Forget how to breathe_

_Shine like gold, buzz like a bee_

_Just the thought of you can drive me wild_

_Oh, you make me smile"_

_**[Smile by Uncle Kracker]** _

* * *

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_I nicknamed you Dimples from the moment you smiled._

_You had dimples and that ruined everything._

_You ruined my favorite corner store for me. I’ve been coming to the same corner store for the past five years and never once have I seen you. I knew every employee from old couple that owned the shop, the rude teenager girl and the brothers who parents owed the meat shop directly across the street._

_But I didn’t know you._

_I came in one day after dance practice my body still drenched in sweat. I just wanted to get a sandwich and a blue lemonade slushie (which were suppose to changed but the old couple loved me too much to take it away from me). I remember closing my eyes to thank God for the air conditioner directly underneath the door hitting me in the face._

_Opening my eyes only to find you standing at the register with a dimple filled smile. I couldn’t form any words as you simply smiled at me before saying hello. My heart jumped directly into my throat. I could only blush and duck my head before quicker exiting._

_For the next few days I didn’t come back inside. I would peak into the window and see you behind the register with those dimples._

_It wasn’t until I snuck in behind a group of girls who were all giggling messes the moment you spoke. You were kind and polite to them even taking their flirting in strides._

_I peaked around the isles before finally picking my items and moving slowly to the register. You told me you were waiting on me to return so you can meet the favorite customer. You heard about me from the elderly couple (who I would learn were close friends of your grandparents and loved you like their own). You just think they didn’t do me any justice on how cute I was. I felt my face turned bright red as I could only open and close my mouth before disappearing._

_Next time I swore I would talk to you._

_I didn’t._

_And neither did you again but those dimples did all the talking for us._

_Your letter came a little bit of a surprise to myself but I couldn't get you out of my head for the next few weeks. Even when you moved on to the city to become a lawyer (the elder couple spilled all the information once I pouted) you still rang in my mind. I honestly have nothing to thank you for that helped me grow to be the person I am today._

_Thank you for having those dimples._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	9. Dear WinWin,

_"We're not lovers, but more than friends_

_Put a flame to every single word you ever said_

_No more crying, to get me through_

_I keep dancing 'til the morning with somebody new_

_Tonight I'm getting over you"_

**_[Tonight I'm Getting Over You by Carly Rae Jepsen]_ **

_"You got me scattered in pieces_

_Shining like stars and screaming_

_Lighting me up like Venus_

_But then you disappear and make me wait_

_And every second's like torture Hell over trip, no more so_

_Finding a way to let go_

_Baby, baby, no I can't escape"_

**_[_ ** _**The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez]** _

* * *

_Dear WinWin,_

_I was accepted into Neo Technology Culture Academy for Gifted aka NCT Academy three months before my sixteen birthday._

_You were accepted directly after me as a dancing major just like me. It made sense for me to be the one you share a room with since we both were new._

_I started calling you WinWin by accident but soon it struck and you would even introduced yourself as the nickname. Only back in the privacy of our rooms would you want me to call you Sicheng (you didn't understand Korean honorifics so you didn't add the hyung)._

_Our conversations were never bored with my lack of Chinese language beside the phrases that Kun-hyung taught me and your lack Korean language. Hand movements work better for both of us anyways. I became your practice buddy teaching you everything I knew. In rewarded we would have anime marathons, sharing snacks that came with your car packages and you would curse out the other students in Chinese when they would bully me._

_I told myself that you would strictly be my friend but I failed._

_I fell for your big eyes, soft smiles, sharp words and just you as a person._

_We didn't have the same classes expect introduction into dance but we made time for each other. We already had lunch together, took study breaks together and you even came home with me for the thanksgiving break since you couldn't make it home._

_We became best friends and I swore that you were the one._

_I mean seriously the one for me. I know I was younger but at sixteen I felt like you were everything I was looking for._

_So I confessed to you and you broke my heart._

_You told me you meet a man back in China. He was visiting and he was one of your partners in the program. You both clicked immediately and he made you feel loved._

_I could only smile and be happy for you. I didn't want to be but I couldn't deny the smile on your face was worth any pain I would fill._

_Thank you for being my first best friend._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	10. Dear Jungwoo,

_"I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard in love_

_All I wanted was to break your walls_

_All you ever did was break me I came in like a wrecking ball_

_Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung_

_Left me crouching in a blaze and fall_

_All you ever did was break me_

_Yeah, you wreck me"_

**_[Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus]_ **

* * *

_Dear Jungwoo,_

_I guess it was never going to be you and me if we're honest. I meet you by accident when I was coming over to visit Kun hyung and you were coming out. It was no secret from the beginning that you belonged to Kun hyung but it was too late for me. It took only a glance but I couldn't get you out of my head especially not with that big smile on your face._

_You were the living version of happiness, everything good in the world and I fell for everything that was you. From your love for Snoopy, to the way your glare at people when they annoyed you, to how you still cried when Nemo was finally reunited with his dad and everything in between._

_I guess I was content with the way we are. Or were. You always treated me kindly making sure I ate even offering to cook for me (which will never happen because you and Lucas also burned down the apartment but that's another story for another time) checking up on during my away competitions, sharing Kun hyung with me even when I ruined your dates and letting me fall asleep on your shoulders when I was overworking myself._

_I think Kun hyung knew but he never spoke to me about it and he made sure to never be to have on PDA in front of me._

_I never once thought about telling you how I feel._

_I knew it would never go anywhere._

_So I saved those feelings for this letter. A letter that I would never send. A confession that I would never be confessed._

_I'm forever grateful that you let me be in your little circle before my own little group found me._

_It’s fine that it was never going to be you and me._

_I do want to thank you though. Thank you for loving Kun hyung for being that one person to make him feel as amazing as he makes everyone around him feel._

_You are an angel._

_Too bad you were never meet to be my angel._

_Thank you for being my temporary angel._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	11. Dear Lucas,

_"I need you (you, oh) to give me your time (give me your time)_

_I need you (you, oh) to not wanna be mine_

_Are you down to be a distraction. baby?_

_But don't distract me, let me ask you baby_

_Do you, do you, do you do you wanna be_

_A distraction, baby?_

_Do you, do you, do you do you wanna be_

_Y_ _eah, yeah"_

**_[Distraction by Kehlani]_ **

_"Wish I could tell you that I love you but I can't_

_Wish I could call you in the morning but I can't (oh oh)_

_Wish I could tell you that I miss you but I can't (yeah)_

_This is not a love song I get excited when you kiss me like that (like that)_

_When we're body to body like that (oh oh)_

_Wish I could tell you that I want you more than that_

_But this is not a love song"_

_**[Not a Love Song by Bulow]** _

* * *

_Dear Lucas,_

_You were a good distraction._

_You were a perfect distraction and I know you wouldn’t get hurt by me calling you that because I was a good distraction for you too. We were never meet to go to far together but the time we had to together was some of my best moments and thank you for that._

_I was still sixteen and you were older but not as old as Yuta hyung or even Kun hyung. I had nothing but older friends and my parents thought I needed more friends my age so they signed me up for an art class. You were the model and we just clicked. It's wasn't until I got in contact with some of my hyungs and I learned that you were part of Ten hyung's circle of friends. When we meet I think we both knew that were weren't meant for a forever thing. I could still see the heartbreak in your eyes and you could see the parts of my heart that haven't fully healed yet from the years of abusing it. I know you kind of liked me, I kind of liked you too and that was all we needed to know. I'm glad to meet you since almost all of Ten’s funniest  and wildest stories always seem to involve you._

_We never talked before but I'm glad we talked afterwards._

_You were loud, crazy and willingly to do anything once or four times until someone laughed. I fall for those big wide eyes that were always accompanied by a matching wide smile. The way your hair fell in your eyes when you bounce around filled of energy. You're Lucas Bieber attitude and antics. The way you dedicated yourself to everything and everyone around you. I remember when you and Jungwoo hyung tried to cook me a meal after I won (it was one of the smaller competitions but you screamed that a win is a win regardless of how small). I fell for your energy, the way you expressed yourself never being shy with you affection._

_You were my first kiss._

_Like my first true kiss and I love you personally for that._

_To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m writing you this letter. As a thank you, I guess? As a random thought? Never because I still need you around. As an obligation?_

_I wrote this letter to you because you made me feel loved. Getting your heartbroken on a normal bases is cool and everything but when that love it returned it's amazing. You made me feel inspired and I inspired you. Yeah us being together was healthy but everyone needs a Lucas in there life. But you weren't meet stay in my life foreal._

_I saw the way you looked at Kun hyung & Jungwoo hyung and I saw the way they looked at you. I also knew that you would never approach as long as you felt responsible for my heart so I let you go. I won't lie and say it was easy but it was necessary. I knew those looks. I knew those soft smiles. Those cautious touches and everything else. I heard this quote from a sappy movie that my mom made me watch with her and I never knew it would ever mean anything to me until now. "Some people are meant to fall in love with each other. But, not meant to be together." We fell in love but we weren't meant to stay together. _

_I wish you a happy life, Wong Yuhkei. A life filled with all the joy, happiness, adrenaline rushes, and many other things that you gave me._

_Thank you for showing me that I am lovable and for being that missing piece in Kun hyung & Jungwoo hyung relationship. _

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	12. Dear Mark,

_"Woah, woah I went from running through your mind to feelin_ _I need a wheel chair_

_Might just write a eulogy say my feelings got killed here_

_Look up in my soul to see if feelings is still there_

_Might hit you to argue just to see if you still care_

_I play games baby, 'cause I need clarity_

_See I ain't believe them times you say that you cherished me_

_You say that'd you'd carry me to that moment I got bigger"_

**_[Won't Be The Same by Boogie]_ **

_"Don't you know I'm no good for you?_

_I've learned to lose you, can't afford to_

_Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'_

_But nothin' ever stops you leavin'"_

**_[when the party's over by Billie Eilish]_ **

_"Baby, baby, baby From the day I saw you_

_Really, really wanted to catch your eye_

_Somethin' special 'bout you I must really like you_

_'Cause not a lot of guys are worth my time, ooh"_

**_[You Don't Know My Name by Alicia Keys]_ **

* * *

_Dear Mark,_

_I'm not writing this to cry about how I missed my opportunity with you or what could have. This a letter to end all the thoughts in my head about you. You were another hopeless case from the beginning anyway._ _Another hopeless cliché. Another confession never to be confessed._

 _You were Mark Lee,_ **_The Mark Lee_ ** _._

_The same Mark Lee who became the class president, every teacher favorite student, the straight A honor student every year, captain of the basketball team, captain of the soccer and every mother's ideal dream for a son-in-law. Everyone's had a crush on you at some point in their life, including me._

_I think I've always loved you but it never really hit me until you came back into my life._

_We actually known each other since we were kids because our mothers used to work together. We had playdate despite the age difference (I was four years younger than you) I thought you would be annoyed with me stuck with me but you never made me feel like I was anything less. You read me stories, allowed our games of Simon says to go on forever (even if I didn't know how to play it correctly), we spent summers together. Each summer better than the last one. You made me feel cool (as lame as that sounds) and let me play the games my parents would never let me play. You pinched my cheeks, gave warm hugs and laughed too loud. I found comfort in you that I thought I would never found in anyone else._

_We drifted apart when my parents moved and your mom transferred firms but you always stayed somewhere in the back of my mind._

_When I transferred out of the NCT Academy prior to my seventeen birthday, I ended up at your school SM Prep. I was alone and still healing from the recent heartbreaks. You found me and we fell back into our routine like nothing ever happened to us. Through you I meet Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun and Donghyuck. We became a family and you all easily became my best friends in such a short amount of time._ _But it was different with you. You knew me better than almost everyone else, even the ones I’ve know for all of my life._ _You just understand too well. Everything I say, and everything I didn't need to stay. You would pick me up even if I was twenty minutes out the way, road trips even weekend and I was at every game that you played. I was the victim of your awful jokes. You made me feel like I was the only person in the world when we were together. I never properly thanked you for everything you did for me._

_I looked at you like you were the stars._

_for once I thought I could reach them._

_But I wasn't the moon for you._

_I planned everything out. How I would confess. Where I would confess. How you would react. But in the end I was wrong yet again. All the looks, sweet gestures, nice words, late night drives none of them were for me. My heart felt crushed, destroyed, burned and completely ruined. I felt like nothing because for once I thought my happy ending was never but like all the times before I was wrong. But like all great heartbreaks it heals with time and I needed time. with time I realized one thing._

_I never loved you Mark Lee, I haven't for a while and maybe I never did._

_Maybe in another life we could have been, but not this one because now when I look back it would be to weird for me. For I value you more as my handsomely annoying big brother._

_Thank you for allowing me to fall in love with the idea of a perfect man._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	13. Dear Renjun,

_"Baby while we're young_

_I think we should do something crazy_

_Like say "Fuck everyone"_

_And just run away from the daily routine_

_Yeah you know what I mean"_

**_[While We're Young by Jhene Aiko]_ **

_"Bed, stay in bed_

_The feeling of your skin locked in my head_

_Smoke smoke me broke_

_I don't care, I'm down for what you want_

_Day drunk into the night, wanna keep you here_

_'Cause you dry my tears_

_Yeah, summer loving and fights_

_How it is for us, and it's all because"_

**_[Talking Body by Tove Lo]_ **

* * *

_Dear Renjun,_

_You were my rebellion stage._

_I slowly started to separate myself from the group and so did you. I told myself, I didn't leave because of Mark and his newly formed relationship (_ ~~_I did but I'm not ready to admit it yet_ ~~ _). Just like you told yourself, you didn't leave because of Jaemin and Jeno._

_We found each other again on my seventeenth birthday, I got invited to a party by some of the boys in my dance group. I told myself I would in and out before going home to play some games until my eyes burned. You one of the hosts._

_I found you in a crowd of people with a drink in your hand and no cares in the world._

_You were different from the Huang Renjun I remembered._

_You traded your soft brown hair for jet black, your moomin shirt for 'people are poison' and those adidas sweatpants for ripped black jeans. You offered me my first drink and I gave you a kiss in return. We didn't see each other for weeks until your nineteenth birthday._

_I can't explain it but we fell into a pattern, me and you._

_I won't call what we were during a relationship not in the slightest bit. I think we were just two teens with too much to hide, to many big feelings and too much world. We ran the night like no one was watching with loud voices and spray paint cans. Sneak into construction sites, ruined convenience stores with random food fights, attended college parties, made purple kisses with your red slushies and my blue. We did anything to fill the voids inside of us and at the moment we were the perfect fills._

_By the way my parents hated you when they first meet you._

_I thought we could do this for a little longer._

_It wasn't love. I know that much, especially with the looks you who sent those Jeno and Jaemin when we saw them. Even if you would pull me closer, I knew it wasn't for me._

_I am glad we enjoyed each other's company._

_Our time was special. I lived, and you made me feel alive._

_Thank you for giving me memories that I will try to hide from my kids until I'm old enough to no longer feel shame._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	14. Dear Jeno,

_"Damn, I like me better when I'm with you_

_I like me better when I'm with you_

_I knew from the first time, I'd stay for a long time 'cause I like me better when I like me better when I'm with you_

_I_ _don't know what it is but I got that feeling (got that feeling)_

_Waking up in this bed next to you swear the room_

_Yeah, it got no ceiling If we lay, let the day just pass us by_

_I might get to too much talking I might have to tell you something"_

**_[ I Like Me Better by Lauv]_ **

* * *

_Dear Jeno,_

_Thank you._

_Wrong weird but thanking you is exactly how this letter should start off._

_Thank you because when I got caught skipping class, you covered for me saying that I was helping you out with student council even though we both knew I couldn't even tell you who was the student council current president (it was you, weirdly enough)._

_I tried to stay away from you simply out of respect for Renjun. I mean, we didn't have the same relationship anymore but he was still part of my heart and I knew how hurt he would feel if I grew close to you. Part of me knew to keep my distance but another part of me couldn't stay away from you._

_I tried avoiding you at school (my parents found out about my skipping and told me this or military academy), dance practice since you came to visit your friends, classes and the lunch room since you would always invite me to eat with you._

_I tried but I'm a weak man._

_I blamed it on your eye smiles, the crinkle lines around your mouth that form when you smile, or the way you cup people's faces to smile extra hard in their faces. I blame it all on you because somewhere along the line I fell for you and I couldn't find myself to be mad about it anymore._

_When we fell back a friendship it wasn't really a surprise to me._

_I grew back into the same child I was before I started my rebellion stage and that was all thanks to you. I rejoined my old dance group, became the secretary for student council and even started talking back to some of my old friends again._

_We grew close. Close enough that saw the soft smile that made your eyes disappear when you look at me. We spent lunches together, our parents became friends and late night weekends became ours._

_I regret not giving you a chance._

_I knew you liked me back. I had all the green lights but I couldn't do it. I knew both of our feelings were temporary and to be honest I didn't need another heartbreak story for my future kids._

_Thank you for those eye smiles and saving me from military school._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_

 


	15. Dear Donghyuck,

_"I'll keep your number saved_

_'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me_

_I'm hoping that you'll say_

_You're missing me the way I'm missing you_

_So I'll keep your number saved_

_'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you_

_To tell you that no one else_

_Is gonna hold you down the way that I do"_

**_[ Saved by Khalid ]_ **

_You know I want you_

_I_ _t's not a secret I try to hide_

_But I can't have you_

_We're bound to break and my hands are tied_

_**[ Re-write the Stars by Zac Efron & Zendaya ] ** _

* * *

_Dear Donghyuck,_

_There were only two words that came to my mind when I started this letter for you._

_Dramatic and mind-blowing._

_Lee Donghyuck when we first meet you came in like a fireball into my life. You set everything you touched into a blazing fire and you gave no apologies for it._

_I remember you always seemed to make my days more breathable and lively. We shared drama class which never seemed to quiet since it stays filled of your laughter, random jokes and constant need to touch someone. You brought a smile to my face no matter what you did and I tried to return the favor._

_I loved being around you because you never censored your personality nor did you try to fit into someone else's norm. Rolling your eyes at people who stared at the way your nails ranging from soft pink to nude to black. Or the way you made your eyelids sparkle with the colors of the rainbow matching the thin layer of lip gloss across your lips._

_God how I thought about to taste the flavor your lips more than the normal amount of times._

_I was pushing nineteen when we meet again._

_You changed your name from Donghyuck to Haechan after the group broke up. You said you that you needed a new name for a new adventure. I thought it was fitting Haechan which means full sun so the name seemed to fit perfectly._

_You were in love with Mark Lee._

_No matter how much you tried to hide it, everyone knew. The same Mark Lee who was your best friend, the only person who knew you better than anyone else in this world._

_The same Mark Lee who was dating Koeun. Koeun wasn't a horrible person but she was no you. They seemed good for each other but Mark didn't have that same spark that he had with you._

_So you did want you did best._

_You hide and shoved everyone away while pulling up your walls up until the light could barely see through the cracks. You started dating and breaking hearts not caring about the carnage you left behind._

_I could only watch._

_For I knew I could never replace Mark in your heart. An I to be honest it would kill me to only get a quarter of you whole the rest belonged to someone else. I thought about giving up on love when I watched you break your own heart but you didn't give up. You still smiled. You still moved forward. You never stay down for long. To be honest that why I stayed away and refused to be another stepping stone._

_Because you needed to heal just like I do, at your own time and from your own work._

_Thank you for showing me its okay to hurt as long as you get back up._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


	16. Dear Jaemin,

_"I hate you I love you_

_I hate that I love you_

_Don't want to, but I can't put_ _  
_

_Nobody else above you_ _  
_

_I hate you I love you_ _  
_

_I hate that I want you_ _  
_

_You want her, you need her_ _  
_

_And I'll never be her"_

_**[ I Hate You, I Love You by Gnash & Olivia O'Brien ]** _

_" "Cause I want you_ _  
_

_I want you_ _  
_

_I want- I want you_ _  
_

_'Cause I want you_ _  
_

_I want you_ _  
_

_I want- I want you"_

_**[ Honesty by Pink Sweat$ ]** _

* * *

_Dear Jaemin,_

_First off where do I even begin to start with you?_

_You were one of my best friends. In fact we grew closer when we reconnected before my twenty birthday. We fell into the same routine and much closer than before._

_There was never just one thing about you that made me fall for you._

_It was everything._

_Everything that involved you._

_You who knew me almost better than anyone else. You caught my unspoken words and my words that had hidden meaning behind them. You who would pop up at my dorm in the middle night off a half ass drunk text about me being lonely. You who knew when I had a bad day at work or class, ready in my dorm with ice cream and crappy B rated horror movies._

_It felt like we were two halves of the same coin._

_And that scared me._

_And maybe in the end that’s the reason why we never grew into something more deep._

_And maybe you were scared too._

_I like to think that maybe different time, maybe a different place and even maybe at a different age. We would be perfect together. Maybe if we both weren't too heartbroken. You would deny it if I said it to your face but I spent enough nights on facetime with you to see the tears lingers behind your eyes. I saw the way your smile dropped the second you thought no one was looking you couldn't hide it (because I was always looking). It's okay, my heart still lingered across the world with the others._

_We would have been perfect together. We wanted the things especially commitment just not with each other. Maybe we could’ve been perfect if we could let go over the past long enough. We never said the words and it’s pathetic that even know I can't bring my pen to write them._

_It was no secret how you looked at with wild eyes because I returned them everytime. We never shied away from each other from wild parties to the corner stores to the public hallways. I still remember the nights would spent just cuddle together. I know you. I know how you like your eggs in the morning. I know that you have to brush your teeth at least twice. I know the rhythm of your heartbeat. I know how you play off everything when your moms calls like your not dying on the inside. I especially know the prickly in the back of your throat that told you to say those words to me. I feel it too. I never spoke up, just like you never did because we both know the reason. We weren’t ready back then and neither of us wanted to risk this. Not for something that wouldn't be completely truth._

_I'm sorry if this letter seems long (which doesn't matter because you'll never see this) but I need to get all this out. I often say these aren't my goodbye letters but this my goodbye letter. At least too you and these feelings._

_I want you to be happy._

_I want you to be truly happy._

_We have to much baggage between us. Baggage neither of us need at this time. I get that now. So it was best that I ended us when I did. Yes it hurt. God, it hurts so much to watch you cry and beg me stay but I needed to end._

_God, Jaemin._

_I loved you. I loved you enough to break your heart so you could find the one or the ones to heal it. I had to selfish for once. I couldn't ask you to promise that one day you wouldn't wake up and feel different about me. I couldn't make you love me forever. I wanted so badly for you be me my miracle but you someone else and I can't keep you no matter how much I want too. Not when someone else could love you better. Better than me. The better that you deserve._

_So I let you go. It's wasn't easy but it's necessary._

_I understand that now even if my heart doesn't._

_I wish you only the best because you deserve the moon and stars and so much more._

_Thank you, for I have become a new person because of you._

_Love,_

_Park Jisung_


End file.
